A Great Joke

Tribute to Bob Hope 1903-2003

Bob Hope Quotations and One-Liners

I don't feel eighty. In fact, I don't feel anything til noon. Then it's time for my nap.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around the middle.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreational. If you work it, it's golf.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

If they liked you, they didn't applaud--they just let you live.

You know you’re getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees. The liar--I went steady with a woodpecker until I was twenty-one.

I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I'm half British, half American. My passport has an eagle with a tea bag in its beak.

Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

I really love the stage... Why, if I had to work for nothing I'd quit tomorrow.

I would have won the Academy Award if not for one thing... my pictures.

Television... that's where movies go when they die.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I left England at the age of four when I found out I couldn't be king.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

We were kind of poor and my mother hated to spend a nickel on herself, so she bought most of her things in an army-surplus store. She was the only woman in Cleveland wearing khaki lipstick.

Our neighbourhood was tough. We had the typical gang. You know, Shorty, Fatso, Skinny, Stinky. Then there were the boys.

A rather chubby lady walked by and the panhandler went into his pitch and he said, "Ma'am I haven't eaten in three days". She said, "Gee I sure wish I had your willpower".

I was well on my way to being a juvenile delinquent. When I was 16, I had more hubcaps than General Motors.

It feels great to be nearly 100. I mean, for those parts of me that still have feeling. I do the same things I did when I was 50. I just take a nap after each one now.

I used to keep my birthday a secret but I decided to stop. I wasn't getting any presents

I'm never going to retire. I intend to be cracking jokes on my way to the grave.

I consider myself very fortunate. I owe everything to my family and my make-up man. My wonderful family keeps me going and my wonderful make-up man keeps me from looking like I already went.

Those were really tough times. I wouldn't have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the audience throwing stuff at me.

I would have won the Academy Award if not for one thing - my pictures. Oscar night at my house is called Passover.

I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before".

The Vietnam War finally ended in an agreement neither side intended to honour. It was like one of Zsa Zsa Gabor's weddings.

As soon as I arrived in camp they gave me a 10-gun salute - or so they told me on the operating table.

Some of Hope's most famous stand-up routines were in Vietnam

Unless the boys in Washington do something about inflation fast, the odds are 2-1 that five will get you two.

The dollar's been stretched so far, George Washington now has a space between his teeth.

Where else but in America could the Women's Liberation Movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

We never buy live turkeys at our house any more. One year I brought one home. The kids fell in love with it and I ended up putting it through Harvard.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

In my lifetime I saw the Berlin Wall come and I saw it go. George Burns can say the same thing about the Ice Age. (Burns died aged 100 in 1996.)

The Crickets, the Beatles ... at least it answers the question where our new talent is coming from ... under the kitchen sink.

Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.

Return to Humor Content Page
Return to Content Page