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Subject Humor 1
Although the pastor let the phone ring several times, his wife didn't answer. A few moments later he tried again and she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that the phone hadn't rung. The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office. The caller wanted to know why the pastor had called him Saturday night. The pastor was confused. The caller said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the incident and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife and must have dialed the wrong number. The man said, "That's okay. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide that night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' "At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the Caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God.' I was just too afraid to answer!" ----- A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. "Now, what does it mean to you?" After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said, "what does it mean?" David replied, "It means that the Jews had to suffer without Chinese food for 1,067 years." ---------- A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him. Under his name badge they printed, "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented. The Pastor responded by saying, " I usually am called the 'Shepherd of the sheep'... but you know your people better than I do." --------- The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe." --- The Lesson Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying, Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven Blessed are the meek... Blessed are they who mourn... Blessed are the merciful... Blessed are they who thirst for justice... Blessed are you when persecuted... Blessed are you when you suffer... Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven... Then Simon Peter said, 'Do we have to write this down?' And Andrew said, 'Are we supposed to know this?' And James said, 'Will we have a test on it?' And Philip said, 'What if we don't know it?' And Bartholomew said, 'Do we have to turn this in?' And John said, 'The other disciples didn't have to learn this.' And Matthew said, 'When do we get out of here?' And Judas said, 'What does this have to do with real life?' Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain. And Jesus wept... ---- Baltimore - Ms. Dorothy Joyner, 57, a Republican mayoral candidate was one of the candidates in a field of 25 running for mayor in this overwhelmingly Democratic city. During an appearance on the local TV in a "Newsmaker" segment, Ms. Joyner described herself as a churchgoer with 30 years experience in education. She also spoke at length about crime. "I think that we need to retrain our police officers. Our officers need to steer clear of the abrasiveness they project. Instead of abrasiveness, what about courtesy? What about manners?" she asked. A police officer happened to be watching the 6:30 p.m. news, and recognized her as someone with an outstanding warrant. Officers were waiting for Ms. Joyner when she left the studios of WBFF-TV. She was arrested on a warrant charging her with one count of misdemeanor burglary. Cameras captured her leaving the station in handcuffs. (AP) --- Susannah Wesley's Rules For Raising Children: 1. Subdue self-will in a child and thus work
together with God to save his soul. 2. Teach him to pray as soon as he can speak. 3. Give him nothing he cries for and only what
is good for him if he asks for it politely. 4. To prevent lying, punish no fault which is
freely confessed, but never allow a rebellious, sinful act to go unnoticed. 5. Commend and reward good behavior. 6. Strictly observe all promises you have make to your child. --- Eight common challenges faced by mothers of young children: 1) Low self-esteem, 2) 2) Monotony and loneliness, 3) 3) Stress from too many demands 4) 4) Lack of time with husband, 5) 5) Confusion about discipline, 6) 6) Home atmosphere, 7) 7) Need for outside role models, 8) 8) Training of children. -- Susan A. Yates, And Then I Had Children, Wolgemuth & Hyatt |
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